Episode Five: Shopping with Monkeys

Shopping with kids is crazy. Usually I try to do this chore all by my lonesome or at least with only one kid but sometimes, that's just not possible. Yesterday, I had to do the grocery shopping at Wal-mart (Wallyworld for those of you in Southern Indiana), and I swore to myself up and down that I would never attempt that feat again. Then today, we went to Target. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I'm convinced that kids grow another set of arms the minute they enter either Wal-mart or Target. Oh we don't see them but they're there. Things end up in the cart that I never touched or even considered buying. They touch any and everything that is on their level. I remember the first time I bought Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch (seriously the most delicious cereal ever made. I don't care that it's 100% sugar and the government has banned The Quaker Oats Compay from promoting it to children because of its high sugar content. It's peanut buttery, crunchy and just soooo good). I couldn't find it anywhere on the cereal aisle. I swore that the store didn't stock it. Until I realized it was on the bottom shelf, practically on the floor. Strange, I thought to myself but I grabbed it up and headed back home to eat the deliciousness inside that box. All that said, I totally get it now. Now I'm looking high on the shelf for the cereal with the least amount of sugar and the highest amount of bark-like taste and Hayden is begging to get the Lucky Charms that are stocked at his 3rd grade height. (He swears he eats the cereal part but it's the marsh mellows, come on now). Before I can say "Nooooooo" (imagine me in slow motion, moving from behind my cart to stop him from grabbing it and getting there a second too late), he's holding it in his physical hands and tossing it into the cart with his invisible hands. Sometimes I can convince him that Honeynut Cheerios are tastier (because they are) but other times, I remember wanting Cookie Crisp as a kid and my Mom letting me buy it. I can't say no EVERY time.

Shopping with kids in general is one thing. Shopping with two boys is quite another. Along with their invisible limbs, they turn into monkeys. They'll swing from the cart and hide on the shelves where the paper towels are stocked. More than once have I been doing a mental price check on Bounty versus the Wal-mart brand only to turn around and wonder where on earth Owen has gone. After panicking a minute and thinking he's been snatched, he'll pop out from behind a huge tower of paper towels. (I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm THAT mom with THOSE kids. I'm not! I promise). Not only will they hide from me, they'll try to sit on any surface that, to them, looks like a chair. Now I've never been in the grocery before and thought to myself, "Gee, all of this shopping has made me so tired. I'll just sit here on the edge of the cheese case for a minute or two and then I'll get back at it." Boys will though. It's a perfect spot to cop a squat. I even once (and I stress once) caught Owen trying to swing from one of those round clothes racks at Wal-mart. He only did this once because I scared the living daylights out of him by telling him the story of when I did that ONCE as a little girl at The Evansville Store and the rack fell over on me and I ended up with a nasty bruise on my head, I think, and a very embarrassed Mother. (It really is true...what goes around, comes around. He's like a mini-me...boy style). Swinging from a rack, how much more monkey-like can you get?

And oh how I despise the toy aisle...actually it's just the Lego aisle that sends me into a frenzy of sorts. Frenzy is the best word I can find to describe what happens to me on that aisle. The entire time the boys are trying to decide which less than $10 Lego set they can buy, which was supposed to be a reward for good behavior (sounds like they are in prison) while at the store, but has now turned into a way of buying myself some sanity after we get home, I turn into a time-watching, we are in a hurry, the ice-cream in the cart is melting, chose the Lego set now or you don't get one kind of Mom. It's crazy what happens to me in that aisle. I think I'm allergic to it or something because all I can think about the entire time the boys are perusing which kind of Lego set to buy (The City, Ninjago, Star Wars), I start to get this panicky, hurry up feeling. If there was previously chocolate in my cart, it's gone at this point. (Did the security camera just see me open my semi-sweet chocolate chips that I'm buying for homemade cookies later, and eat a handful and then take a deep breath? Please let it be a sympathetic mother of boys on the other end of that camera. Maybe I should wave at her).

What I'm thinking from now on is shopping all alone all the time. (I'm wishful thinking here but let's go with it). I could lazily go from aisle to aisle and seriously consider the difference between brand name cotton balls and generic ones. I could stand in the coffee aisle for 10 minutes trying my hardest to smell the coffee through those sealed bags and wonder which one is best (Dunkin' Donuts by the way). I can look at things like lamps, rugs, and towels without anyone asking "How much looooooonger?" I might even try on some shoes! Wait...wasn't I supposed to be grocery shopping? Food for the family and all? Oooooohhhhhh...it's all making sense now. Yep, I totally get it. I HAVE to take the boys with me in order to strictly grocery shop and not spend their college funds on trinkets from Target for our house. As much as I love the once in a blue moon, all alone, get to look at whatever I want trip to Target or Wal-mart, I love those boys more. So here's to our next outing to the supercenter (imagine me holding up my glass right now) and to all those moms out there who promise this will be the last trip to Wal-mart with the kids. Maybe we should all stop lying to ourselves and learn to love these precious moments (not the little statues) with our kids. After all, we know they won't always want to go shopping with us. Glory be! That will be awesome!!